Absence

photo courtesy of www.absenceandpresence.info

Writing has eluded me in the recent past. In all honesty, I have been both busy and satisfied. My daily life has improved immensely, but not without serious thought and willingness to change. Don't get me wrong though, I am still just as perverted and horny. It is just that, well, I am in love.

Yes, that illusive state of being I have been in constant search of is mine. It has been there all the time.

I thought that I would want the relationship all people in the US seem to idealize. Married, monogamy, house... I knew I didn't want that before, so I am not sure what made me think that I would feel that when finally in love.

What this caused was a misconception of a current relationship. I thought it was just about sex. GREAT sex. He is my master and I am his slave, but only some times and only in bed. We are good friends outside of the bed as well.

He is in a committed relationship. This is nothing new for me. I seem to do this as a pattern. I guess I see marriage a human conception and love boundless. Believe me, I have heard all of the arguments of both sides and I am not out here to make anyone live the way I do. It is my choice and my happiness. Other people find happiness in different ways. Plus, wouldn't I be just as misguided as anyone else saying there is only one way to live and be happy if I were to tell everyone to live this way?

This realization came in the form of a gift. All other gifts have had reasons, birthdays, special events, etc... But this gift was just because. It reflected our affection for each other. It is love.

Let's take a step back here. I love hundreds of people; all in different ways. Let's say Montreal. I struggled with the concept of love with him for so long. Then I realized that I do in fact love him but that I was not IN LOVE with him. Well, now I think that was wrong as well. From what I see of myself, I am in love when I love. It is just different for each person and completely unending. I am a conduit of love, not the creator of love.

All of this comes back to my realization of the fact that I am in love and happy with the state of things. I love focusing on my son and work. I also love having the constant but not always physically present love from my lover.

Its Bark is Harder Than Its Bite

Mini Rubber Whip

This little baby has quite a nice feel in the hand. It is light and sturdy. The fine rubber strands are made from what Montreal calls the "koosh ball of death" material. This description alone made me wet!

The first chance I got, I set it out with other floggers and crops. Not knowing what my lover was going to chose helped with the excitement. There was the familiar crack and sting of the riding crop and the thick hard thud of the wide leather strap of the flogger. Then, I heard it. It sounded like what I would imagine the perfect whip to sound like, cutting through the air with a swooshing sound. Then it hits...huh...not what I expected. It is tingly but surprisingly light. My lover mixed in all of the tools so I never knew what to expect. The mini rubber whip was a nice surprise every once in a while and the sound!

After that first experience I was let little wanting. Montreal made a good point in that maybe I just prefer tools that hurt more and that this may be quite a sting for a beginner. True enough.

The next time I got to use this I was curious to see how I would like it. This time my lover used used it on my inner thighs and labia while I was bent over. Hell, yeah! This is the sting I was craving. I love this new little addition to my tool/toy family.

The Photoshoot

Wow!!!! What a thrill and day of bliss!!!!!

A few days ago I had the privilege to pose for my favorite sex toy store. It wasn't just being in the midst of like-minded sex positive people that was so exciting, it was being able to give back to a company that has changed my life.

Timing is everything.
When I first started exploring my sexuality in my mid twenties I was a relative late bloomer. However, I still felt embarrassed about being sexually active and easily excitable. This on top of my already poor self image. At the time I had just moved back home to Seattle. I knew of Babeland from their little store front on the Pike and Pine corridor in a very sexy part of town.

Scared and embarrassed, I entered the store. Just stepping in made me short of breath. My face flushed a dark shade of lobster red as I took another step in. This is not the biggest store in the world, so I was already in a place I felt may be potentially explosive. How right I was!

The women that helped me there were so careful with me and accepting. They didn't look down on my newcomer status. I had been in other sex toy stores before, I had just never bought ANYTHING from one before. I left with three toys. A large dildo, a blueberry vibe and a silver bullet. I still use these toys today and have repurchased them after I have worn them out.

It was this experience that started my interest in being sex positive. Babeland has been at the forefront of this movement giving workshops and supporting events that enable and empower all people no matter the gender or sexual preference. Proof of this was in my conversation with Claire Cavanaugh, co-owner and founder of Babeland, about the research they did when women would come in saying they were peeing during sex and were worried it was a malfunction of sorts. This turned out to be female ejaculation. Babeland has books, videos and workshops all about this subject. We also spoke about the growing acceptance of butt play.

This winter Babeland will publish a book with people of all ages, genders, races and preferences in varied states of undress and with or without toys. This is what I did a few days ago. I have gone from the blushing and painfully shy woman to a blogging and practicing sex positive woman that is happy to show off her imperfect body and glowing sexuality. My freedom that has grown over the past 15 years along with the store enables me to be open and expressive about the beauty of sexuality with my almost 8 year old son.

Thank you!!!

For more information on the history and mission of Babeland, follow this link or go to www.babeland.com.

Possession

Francisco de Goya
Se quieren mucho (They Love Each Other Very Much), 1824–28, black crayon on paper, Museo Nacional del Prado, Madrid. Photography credit: ©Museo Nacional del Prado, Madrid

Writhing on my bed, my body craves your tight grip. I imagine you hardness penetrating me as you thrust into me while pushing my hips down onto you. It is the power you wield. It is the control over me. It is knowing that you wish to possess me for that moment.

Carnally, you cannot control the urge to fuck me.
......................
It isn't that I want to be under constant restraint. Really, what I want to feel is the intense and primal urge to fuck. I want to be the object of desire. However, I want to be left alone after that. I am independent and free in every other aspect of my life.

In my head my lover is fucking me like an animal. Smelling me, tasting me, exploring my body while I do the same thing. The feeling is reflected in the animalistic passion of Goya. While I am not completely fond of this painter, he has the ability to express the animal nature of the human.

Admonishment comes at a heavy price

He said that we needed to talk after sex. Why didn't he just wait to talk until after sex instead of telling me before hand? I couldn't sleep for nights. Then when he was about to get there, I no longer wanted to see him. I wasn't excited. I was scared.

I let him in and he begins to undress me. Tied at my wrists and placed on the bed in childs pose with my ankles bound as well, he begins whipping and slapping my ass. I enjoy my new toy, of which I will review next, and the combination of toys along with his intuitive patterns and levels of intensity.

Then he starts to talk. No, I am in trouble. The problem is, this wasn't play. He was really upset with me, but mixing it with play. As he is beating me he tells me of how I cannot pressure him into sex. That he is a taken man. That I cannot email him as often as I do. That our social relationship cannot be jeopardized. That we are free people to do as we please. As he goes on, taking his anger out on me, I can no long play along and instead of answering, I am quietly crying. My soul hurts.

I don't even remember the rest of the session. Even now I begin to cry.

When we spoke afterward he addressed my emotional state by saying he hopes that I am not too upset and then repeated everything he had said before. However, this time I was just numb.

I didn't get the chance to defend myself.

While I enjoy being dominated sexually, I will not accept being diminished as a person. Anyone who thinks that I want a good slap on the ass for emotional needs is way off; especially if that slap is meant to be punitive beyond the bedroom.

Oh, Randy!: A Review

Randy

I knew from the second I met Randy online I had to have him. After a few months I decided to go through with it. I had convinced myself I could handle his huge girth and head. The day he arrived I unwrapped him and played. I didn't cum though.

Having second thoughts, I left Randy alone for a week or so. Then I took him out again. I had to give him another chance. Sometimes a different day is like having a completely different pussy for me. Thank goodness for that!

Between the slight pinch and sting of Randy in my pussy and Mr. Hitachi on my clit, I came in to time. Not only did I cum, but my orgasm lasted a healthy thirty seconds if not longer. It felt like I came for minutes, but I know better. When I pulled Randy out, he came with a gush of my ejaculate. Oh, Randy!

I now use Randy on a regular basis and am as happy as a ...well...clam!

It is his eyes

Like his smell, his eyes engage me. I can get lost; forgetting about time, space and reality. No, reality is more present than ever. Reality takes on a new form when I look into his eyes. There is something that grabs me by the throat...I suffocate from this false reality and wake up in the realm of him. It truly is another world, another life, that lies inside of his eyes.

It is quite amazing really. I cannot connect with anyone that doesn't have a depth such as his.

Physically they are deep, clear and glowing. They convey passion, honesty and an alternate reality.

Like the Tigers Eye raw cut stone above, there is something natural and genius about his. I see it in his eyes.