I write consciousness because this is a concept that had never come to mind. The concept is that by me partaking in outside sexual and emotional relationships could benefit my relationship with my boyfriend. Last night after talking about my anxiety with losing his affections, I was dismayed as the tone of his voice expressed a bit of disappointment and frustration. At first I thought it was just because he just wanted it to be equal or something. I really don't know what I was thinking. But then today, as I was reading and writing for my finals this week, it came to me. He wants me to go out and explore because that makes me a deeper, richer, and a truly more satisfied person.
Him having a secondary was something that I had to get over mainly because of the terms in which it came about. However, I love the fact that he has this wonderful relationship that supports him in ways that I possibly never could and might not want to.
I want to get out there and be my happy, over sexualized, sensitive, sweet, caring, erotic, and adventurous self. I so often talk about being confined by social norms and the difficulties of being truly radical and breaking through the constraints in a way that is satisfying to me and not bending to other's ideologies. I want to feel that I am sexuality is enjoyed and pursued on many levels. The thought living this way makes seeing my boyfriend even more exciting because I want to live that life and I want to live that life with him. So many other aspects of my life express my desire for adventure and exploration. This one needs to as well.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
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4 comments:
Um, isn't all this just another way of saying you (& he) want to date others? I mean - for goodness sake - all this anxiety & emotion over dating others? Labels & soul-searching (oh am I poly or? Will this deepen our relationship....)--just go out & fucking date already! It's what people have been doing for ages - Dating others. Non-exclusive relationships. Stop with the rationalizations! This ain't nothing new. It's so old it's got white hair on it.
Um, I disagree with grrlontop. I don't think that it's as simple as that. Soul-searching is a good thing, questioning your values (in my opinion) is a good thing - not necessarily that you have to change them, but to look at them and try to objectively decide if that's a value you want to keep and hold dear is introspective and smart, in my opinion. So don't stop overthinking things. ~Catalina
I'm with Catalina on this one. Additionally, I felt compelled to comment because of this: He wants me to go out and explore because that makes me a deeper, richer, and a truly more satisfied person.
I know that for myself, my multiple loves/lovers have helped support me, love me, and grow me in different ways. Often, what I am enriched by in one relationship could never happen in another, and all of them help the others grow stronger.
xx Dee
grrlontop, I understand your frustration with labels and those that label themselves. It is however, an aspect of how many find their way down a path that is not presented too clearly before them.
CR and xxD, thank you deeply for your comments on introspection and enrichment.
It is always important for me to know where I am in relation to the world around me. I cannot say that I will follow good advice all the time, but I will listen and catalog everything you write.
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