Lost and Found

Chakra Chart

The lost and found is a lonely place of forgotten and misplaced items all bunched together in a dirty heap in the hopes that someone, rightful owner or not, will come and save them from the filthy anonymity of exile.

Interestingly enough, as the owner, sometimes one does not realize that something is missing until you look for it it particular. How many times have I said "Where is that such and such?" or "I could swear I owned a something-or-another..."

Recently I went looking in the lost and found of my life. There are many piles, but the one that was brought to my attention was the box of purposely forgotten situations and relationships. For most of my life I thought that I would end up there. Me, the entire person, laying in an incomprehensible heap of lifeless and lost bodies. This was in part based on the fear that if I did something to disappoint someone, I would be placed in that exile. I just wanted to please everyone and be a success.

An ex that I had completely left off of my list of those that I have loved deeply found me recently. I thought it was supposed to be nice at first. Then I received an email telling me that my spawn and myself shouldn't be alive and that I am a cunt. Yeah, he is an angry man. It has taken me a while to deal with this though, because the relationship with this man changed the trajectory permanently. I stopped painting and I stopped exploring myself as an artist, as a spiritual person and as an individual.

In the last three years I have started to take on my demons one at a time. The biggest one was the impetus of this blog; to release myself from chastity. Little did I know that this journey of sexual release and exploration was going to be one of reconciliation as well.

Since the aforementioned email, I have thought about why I would even be in contact with this person ever again. Well, to make amends. My theory is that I need to say what I feel deep in my heart. I am a very kind and happy person by nature and do not express anger easily. One would think after being called cunt (which I find a most amusing word as in many cases) that I would be angry. In fact I was. However, what I responded with was peace. I don't want that person feeling the effects of anger as much as I dislike being the receiver.

Through meditation I have released all ill will towards this person and honestly wish no further contact. What is strange though is that this relationship that I am releasing was the beginnning of many years of unhappiness due to a false mode of thinking about myself, my art and my sexuality.

It is amazingly freeing to have that chakra cleared and that situation with it's propper owner and not in the maze of my personal lost and found.